Malaysian Moments

It's been a couple of days, and I'm still struggling with jet lag. More specifically, I want nothing more than to climb straight into bed at 5pm. For the last two nights, I've just skipped dinner and gorged myself on the amazing breakfast buffet. But tonight I'm starving and determined to make it another 15 minutes until the dining room opens.

So without further ado, and in no particular order, here are my favorite moments from my trip so far.

Unexpected overnight delays in Tokyo

I know, normally you wouldn't think that travel delays would make the "best of" list. But it gave me a chance to meet some pretty cool people. And who doesn't love hotels in Japan?

No!!! This whole "stand to the left" is so wrong!

Being a sensation at the Putrajaya Mosque

I spend the day with my friend Siti, who graciously carted my all over the city. We spend a couple of hours in Putrajaya, where we visited the famous mosque. While she went to do her afternoon prayers, I looked around. And then I was swarmed with families wanting me to be in their photos. I happily obliged, and we chatted a bit about where I was from, where they were from, how hot it was, etc. We didn't talk about how the robes they hand out to immodestly dressed women resembled a powder-blue version of something the KKK might appreciate.

The Islamic Art Museum

I had the day to myself, so I schlepped over to the park area near the hotel, and spend a couple of hours at the Islamic Art Museum. Aside from the horrifically behaved children that ran screaming all over the place, yet somehow always in the same room as I was, it was fascinating. My favorite parts: the Islamic architecture room (with built-to-scale miniatures of more than a dozen famous mosques), the Qur'an room (showing an amazing array of illuminated manuscripts), and the gift shop.

The domed ceiling at the top of the Islamic Art Museum in Kuala Lumpur.

The Majestic Hotel

Um. Yes, please. All of my hotel experiences will now be judged against this one. From the plush and decadent room, to the extravagant breakfast buffet, I want to live here forever.

The Aviary

Let me be clear, I am not AFRAID of birds. I despise them, filthy carriers of disease and as likely as not to attack you in a flurry of talons. However, sometimes they look cool, and so I went to the aviary on top of a gigantic hill in the middle of an urban tropical forest. What you don't see in the pictures below is that I am a puddle of sweat, positively dripping with moisture. Heat exhaustion notwithstanding, walking around 23 acres of lush foliage and seeing everything from egrets to flamingos, parrots to ostriches, and owls to eagles was pretty cool.

Things that I Didn't Like So Much

• The gawdawful oppressive heat. I don't think you can fully comprehend the 95 degree heat with 100% humidity until you're right in the middle of it, three hours in and with 1.5 miles still to walk back to your hotel.
• Did I mention the heat? And having to lay out sweaty clothes to dry after each excursion, and the horror of them STILL not being dry the next day?
• The heat. Yes, definitely the heat. Oh, and the humidity.

How to Get Ready for a 4-Week Business Trip

Inspired by those "12 months to prep" wedding calendars in every bridal magazine I've ever opened.

4 Days Before Trip

1. Haul out suitcase.
2. Do laundry.
3. Attempt to construct 21 outfits out of existing wardrobe.
4. Check weather.
5. Freak out at concept of going from 95 degree + humidity in Kuala Lumpur and Bangkok to 40-ish drizzle in Portland to 90 degrees in Texas. With uncertain laundry facilities.
6. Make emergency order at Modcloth.com. Opt for overnight shipping.
7. Decide that you absolutely must go through an entire bookshelf of papers, including all research from your 2000 master's thesis on the tension between military operational security and the principle of the right to know.
8. Get kids to bring down approximately 150 pounds of paper to your new make-shift desk.
9. Realize paper shredder is broken.
10. Abandon gigantic piles of paper on couch, rendering living room totally unusable.

3 Days Before Trip

1. Run to mall and purchase $500 of clothing. Justify it by noting that you are now set for the spring/summer months.
2. Drag eight piece of clothing downstairs to your sewing machine and embark on a crazy "mend, improve, and jerry-rig" session.
3. Abandon plans to make one more purse (even though you have the PERFECT fabric to go with that new pink dress).
4. Rifle through every single drawer before finally finding passport in your carry-on bag from your trip to Zambia last October.
5. Promise yourself that you will find a safe place for passport after this trip to avoid heart palpitations in the future.

2 Days Before Trip

1. Finally get flight itinerary from client. Hope that hotel reservation comes through successfully before you get on the plane.
2. Send presentation materials to Office Depot to be printed and bound in a fancy book for you to review on the flight.
3. Run by library and pick up seven books that you put on hold weeks ago that suddenly all became available at the same time. Wonder if you should risk taking library books overseas.
4. While waiting patiently for 90 minutes while inept employees attempt to collate documents, find a replacement shredder.
5. Download three books onto Kindle.
6. Download four audiobooks onto iPod.
7. Realize that iTunes isn't set up for your current computer, and waste two hours transferring over entire music library -- including creating all new playlists because that stupid tutorial on transferring playlists doesn't work for you.
8. Find $85 in iTunes gift cards when going through paperwork for shredder. Rejoice in your good luck.
9. Accidentally shred $10 in iTunes gift cards. Curse your bad luck.
10. Reconcile bank accounts, including paying employees, vendors, and your husband -- making sure to tell husband not to cash his check until given express permission.
11. Realize that you are out of stamps, and wonder how there can possibly not be one goddamn stamp in the entire house. You have THREE complete sets of golf clubs for crying out loud.
12. Decide at 11pm that it's time to walk away from the computer. Instead, begin reading library book.

24 Hours Before Trip

1. Check to see that you don't need a special visa or form to enter Malaysia or Bangkok. Realize you should have done this three weeks ago, just in case. Breathe easy to find that you just need a valid passport.
2. Get box of clothes from Modcloth.com. Be delighted with several dresses, but realize you need to swing by the post office and immediately mail the rejects back in order to make their return policy window.

8 Hours Before Trip

1. Set suitcase by the door.
   
2. Finish packing. Scramble to find chargers for all 37 electronic devices. Make sure everything is charged up for your 30 hour flight in the morning.
3. Wake up at 2am and discover that you forgot the outlet converter. Wake up husband and make him search the entire closet until it found. Tuck it into carry-on and fall back asleep, despite his grumblings.
4. Wake up every 15 minutes, sure that you have overslept.

2 Hours Before Trip

1. Wonder if you have time to get a pedicure before you go. 
2. Decide that a shower and clean hair will have to be enough.
3. Realize you forgot to arrange for a cab. Make frantic call.
4. Decide you MUST file your nails.
5. Keep cab waiting while you throw nail polish into suitcase.
6. Stuff one more pair of shoes into your carry on.
7. Leave dishes in the sink and hope that your husband will blame it on the kids.

The Reality of My Foster-to-Adopt Experience

I was reading today an article about post-adoption depression, a topic that I identify with (and yet still feel uncomfortable talking about). In it, the author talks about how she was unprepared to deal with post-partum depression (PPD) symptoms after adopting a baby.  

Go read it. I'll wait. 

I don't think that I had a case of clinical depression when J and S arrived in our lives, but I do know that I felt totally overwhelmed and unprepared for my feelings once the kids were placed in our house.

It was (and is) incredibly hard to admit that I didn't like my kids (and many times actively disliked them), didn't feel bonded with them, and mourned the life that I had willingly given up and yet so desperately wanted back.

For months.

Okay, a year.

I couldn't be truthful about my ambivalence, even with myself (lest I change my mind and admit that it was all a terrible mistake and disrupt the placement). I was stuck in a horrible "between" place where I couldn't enjoy my new family and I couldn't ask for help because I didn't want to admit that I wasn't enjoying it.

Without question, the worst part was that it was 100% my own fault. I had asked for this situation -- even convinced my husband that it was the right path for us -- and now here I was, pretty sure that I was going to have to martyr myself for the larger cause of "doing the right thing". I wasn't going to send these kids back (although I thought about it a lot -- mostly in the context of what kind of person that would make me), and I didn't see another option other than just to admit defeat and slog through the remaining decades of my life. Ugh -- it's depressing even to write about it now.

Even as I write that, I have a major case of first world problem guilt, because of course we had it better than 95% of other families out there. The kids were healthy--and pretty cute. We have two stable jobs and a very healthy income. I had the great privilege to work from home. Our families were supportive, and incorporated J and S into the larger family tree with love and affection. And they never once criticized me or suggested that I was anything other than a perfect parent. Who am I to be complaining about how hard it was to get two kids that we waited and planned for for MONTHS before they arrived?

And yet I wouldn't blame a mom with a new biological baby for needing the extra support. Somehow, her claim seems more legitimate than mine -- even as I would argue that the physical demands of labor and post-labor recovery are a cake walk next to the emotional drama of custody, visitations, and "the system" associated with foster care. The truth is that suddenly incorporating two children, two traumatized and hurt children, is an overwhelming and stressful situation. 

I think that foster-to-adopt parents (especially those who adopt "non-babies") have an especially hard time admitting the need for help. When we hear "aren't those kids so lucky to have you" and "what you're doing is really admirable" it seems that there is no other reply than "no, I'm the lucky one".

Except that I didn't feel lucky. I felt like a fucking idiot who got in over her head because of some save-the-world complex and was now going to have to 1) sacrifice her emotional, physical, and mental well-being for the rest of her goddamn life and 2) PRETEND EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY FOR THE NEXT SIXTY YEARS TO BE HAPPY AND FULFILLED.

Of course, things look different now. But it took a full year for me to find my new place in life. Most days I enjoy being a mom who loves her kids. I think that we made a good decision to do foster-to-adopt, even though it was a hundred times harder than I imagined. Life looks good -- my own life, the way I view my family, and the way I look to the future.

I want to end on a redeeming, feel-good note. Because it's true -- life is actually quite nice right now. But I think there is also something really important about not sugar-coating it. It was damn hard. It is still damn hard.

But it gets easier every day. And that is something to remember.